Hermione’s Wand

I often dream of having magic. Magic like the kind found in my favorite books. I imagine transfiguring things in the world, in my life and helping those who can’t help themselves. What if I could wave a wand and fix what’s broken inside of me? Fix what’s broken in the world?

With all magic there are limitations and rules that must be followed. I can’t bring anyone back to life, make someone fall in love, end someone’s life, or tell anyone non-magical about my abilities. My parents have moved on anyway and are not ghosts with unfinished business. I wouldn't be able to see them again or ask for their advice. I already have a great love, so even without restriction I wouldn’t be tempted to use my wand for this either. What would I do to make things right within and around me? 

I would wave my wand and be able to be seen. Seen as a loveable person even with my faults and flaws.  With that I would be able to express myself calmly and confidently in any situation and with any audience. I would no longer care about the thoughts of others and would live a more peaceful life. This confidence would change how I interact at work and home. How I walk through public and private spaces. My coworkers would notice this confidence and think I was pensive all the time. They would know that I am always willing to help when I have time, that I will complete my tasks fully and on time, and that I am honest. I would not have the need to be “graded” all the time, because I would know my worth implicitly.

Ego, fear and anxiety would be the targets in need of repair or elimination to cast this spell. Only the bravest and purest of heart can attempt this most difficult magic. I can’t wave a wand around my head and hope that my spell works without achieving enlightenment. Without doing the work inside my head and heart. 

It would be wonderous if I could quiet my mind and have silent peace, even for a few moments. I create scenarios for everything in my head. Always planning, replaying images, weighing odds, and trying to avoid anything negative that may come for me or those I love. I have seen death so many times. Too many times. I know what it is like to lose. I know what alone feels like and I am constantly trying to circumnavigate another potential grief.  I ruminate in an attempt to protect myself.  

Meditation is the key here. Without the ability to quiet my mind and listen to the energy around me, I can’t hope to achieve this spell either. I allow doubt to creep in too often and many of the thoughts are doom filled. Always negating the possibility that everything might just end up ok. With this mindset, I find it hard to believe in anything. People disappoint you when you are looking for them to. People leave too soon while you forget to live in the moment and enjoy the time you have with them. I will die, too soon, if I let my anxiety take over. I lost my faith in everything once. I still feel like everything is impermanent and hold on to my worries while forgetting to live. 

What if all this protection is doing more harm? What if whatever I put my energy into will manifest? If I can't quiet my mind I will be split in half, with my right arm dangling in the past and my left one in the countless possible futures. Not living at all. Manifesting everything I fear. How can I hope to cast such a spell with the sharp edges of my own thoughts poking holes in all I want to believe?

With magic, I would freeze time when I am embarrassed or act foolish. I would pause everything around me to catch my breath and remember I am floating on a rock in space- I really shouldn’t take these things so seriously. I would only need a moment or 4 to come to this zen like conclusion. Nothing matters but love in this life. Do good and good things will happen. I am human and humans are messy. I wonder how many others process like I do? Necessitating a few quiet moments to ground oneself- to remember we all die at the end of this. Someone laughing at me matters not. Maybe all I need for this is confident communication. 

I wish I could wave my wand and change the hearts of those who hate. I know some people are born with darkness, but most are born from darkness around them. I look around at the people I once respected, and I am so disappointed. I see them voting for and choosing values that do not align with mine. Experience, inexperience, and xenophobia foster hate within so many people. They have never observed these communities, sat in rooms where their stories were shared, or attempted to see their perspective. They are stuck in their thinking and have never been forced to experience anything other than what they have been born into. Without knowledge of the others around us or perspective with how they might walk through this world, how can we help to mend this? I wish I could wave my wand and give them these experiences- to open their minds and disarm their hatred and fear. 

I take on too many energies from around me. I walk into a room and feel.  To keep myself safe, I try to control and manipulate the energies so everyone else feels safe. This gives me a false sense of safety as well. I say false safety, because I never really feel safe and usually end up feeling exhausted. The world is not for me to tend to. All I can do is ensure that my interactions, contributions, and actions tilt the scales towards the light. Towards enlightenment and love.  I can't fix other people. I can only better myself.

I have been watching a new show lately, well new to me.  The premise is a young woman desperate and lost finds a magical therapist. This therapist has the ability to send her back to all of her regrets. She can visit these memories and live in them-this time deciding to do things differently or process something fate designed for her. If I had a magical therapist, I would visit moments in my past to help me process. I have no desire to change anything- not even the difficult moments. Each one of them has made me who I am. They have added to my anxiety, happiness, sense of self, moral code, and how I make choices now. I would want to go back and be an observer. It would be wonderful to see the adults in my life act with their emotions and see them as the young humans they were. They tried their best and with the knowledge I have now, I could forgive them. 

I would look at myself in the mirror and remember telling every size of my body that it was not good enough.  I visit these moments and see the patterns that have created my worldview in real time. I could actively discuss these patterns and design plans with my therapist to ruin them. Knowing that I would overcome with joy to simply see my parents again, even in a regret, lets me know I am close to moving beyond these moments. I would need a pensive for this and I have never come across this rare artifact. Dumbledore’s is in Hogwarts and my acceptance letter was lost. 

To complete this magic, I will need to create art. Write to my family, write my stories, and write what I remember. I should paint. Paint those moments, paint my moods, and paint the process. I can sing and dance. Dance to their favorite music, soundtracks of my regrets. I can dance like my mother taught me and sing like my father. Sing with their favorite artists and drive aimlessly in the car. I can create and allow everything to flow within and pour out of me. 

Maybe I am magic. After all, we're made of stardust. Pieces of the universe live inside of us. What if the magic is there for us to discover for ourselves. Go through the muck and come out the other side with the key to magic’s unveiling. I have given the power to others for too long and it is time I take it back- learn how to use the magic within me. We are born to be more than the sum of our experiences. We are born to continue discovering. Discover more about ourselves- how we grow, what brings us peace, what matters most, and how to navigate all we must traverse. I am so close to finding the key for the last magical reserves inside of me and I can’t wait to bring them forth.