top of page

Sleep Fan


They can’t sleep without their fan. Rotating cool air on their face and shoulders as they slumber. When they nap it follows them to the living room and each night before we hold each other, they ensure it is pointing in their direction when the lights go out.


We lost the remote to it months ago. We often spend the last moments before we leave to go anywhere searching for a lost chattel of theirs. Calling silent phones, rummaging for keys, or hunting for a wallet placed and forgotten somewhere in our home. They worry this makes me love them less. How could I ever lose love when each day they fill my bucket to the brim with it?


I don’t think they know what their existence has bloomed in me. I thought I had loved others in my life, but without knowing or truly ever loving myself, I knew not what real love felt or looked like. I know now of magic, in this human. Flawed, raw, humble, and ever bettering themselves. They come to me as wholly themselves and I love each curvy piece.


Yes, there are days I huff or puff over socks strewn on the ground or wrappers of eaten snacks laid on their bedside. I would gladly take every crumb and a mountain of stinky socks to be with them another day. I have never laughed with anyone, other than my sister, like I giggle with them. We cackle until we forget what we were even laughing about to begin with.


My car has become a bit more disorderly since I met them. I admit this as a recovering perfectionist. Being with them puts things in perfect perspective. I would rather play a video game laughing and coordinating together as we try not to starve, or beat them at scrabble than clean out my vehicle. The forgotten baskets, boxes, and hiking gear will be there tomorrow, and life is too short not to soak up all the time I have with them.


I have been listening to a song recently that reminds me of all I had to do to finally be where I am now. Sitting next to them in our bed while I write these words. Hearing their breath steady and sweet and feeling their skin on mine. The lyrics play in my head and can’t help but I belt the words to the universe as I drive. One line gets me every time.


As Alessia Cara belts out, ”Now I found the strength/To make a change/And look at the magic I found/No matter the name/Or where you came from/'Cause no one has much figured out”, I burst into tears every time. All the emotions flow through me at once. Absolute gratitude for them in my life, overwhelming sadness that my parents will never get to meet them, sweet relief of not being where I was, and quiet mourning for the person I used to be. I mourn not because I miss that woman, but because she stayed in the dark too long.


What a joy it is to love them and to be loved. Never have I looked at another person and been unable to express what I feel for them. I love you sounds hollow when I say it to them. No words can encompass the emotions bubbling inside me at the sight of them. I stand saying those words knowing none can ever live up to the beauty that O is.


My childhood has shaped who I am. I find it difficult to accurately express myself and tend to hide away and process everything alone. They have shown me that even when “big” feelings flood out, I will always be loved. Instead of chastising me, they hold my hand and guide me safely to a place where I can share my emotions. I am not ashamed of being myself, but instead encouraged to be a better version of me. It is incredible how much a person can heal when they are given the space, compassion, and love to do so.


I don’t recognize who I was 2 years ago, and I hope that version of Faith grows smaller in the rearview mirror as I head forward into my next chapter singing loudly. I have never been so excited to grow old, sit on a porch, kiss a cheek, or dance while the dinner burns. Each day with you is a gift, my sweet love. You will never disappoint me, and I could never love you less. With you my love only grows exponentially- an endless dream filled with the greatest joys I have ever felt. Thank you for all you are and for all you do. I couldn’t ask for more.




Comments


IMG_8235.png

Thank you for reading my ramblings.

My name is Faith, and I have been creating for almost 18 years. Let me know your stories and if you'd like for me to paint for you- visit my Etsy here.

Let the posts
come to you.

Thanks for submitting!

bottom of page